It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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