my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
