I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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