I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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