; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
