I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
