worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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