I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
wow bdsm is so cute
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