I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
