I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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