I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
