did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
