so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
