have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
