God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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