Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
