5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
