i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
