i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
