I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
