I'm sorry my penis didn't work
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
