I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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