Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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