She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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