the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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