I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
