just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
