Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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