We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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