He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My ass is underappreciated
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
