Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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