he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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