Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
