I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
