oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize