dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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