If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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