I am puke
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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