i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
