You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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