Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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