Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
