hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
