I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
