omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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