apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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