spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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