woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize