my phone needs a breathalizer
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
