so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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