Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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