I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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