so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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