Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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